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Monthly Archives: December 2011

Gross, Man!

Pick? What pick?











Would you rather have your genitals eaten by a honey badger, or have black rats gnaw their way out of your colon? Tough question, I grant you. But no tougher than the one Mike Shanahan has to answer regarding what to do at quarterback, if none of the young studs are available in the 2012 NFL Draft. USC’s Matt Barkley has already opted out, and there are rumblings that Baylor’s Robert Griffin III, Oklahoma’s Landry Jones, may chose to do the same.

At that point NFL teams are left with the likes of Ryan Tannehill, Nick Foles, and Kellen Moore. As is generally the case teams will reach at QB, and take guys higher than they should. Witness Blaine Gabbert in 2011. That leaves Shanahan either reaching for a guy in the draft that he’s not in love with, or something else. I don’t believe he’ll reach for a mediocre QB, and so I’ll address that something else scenario.

Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors, as contemplating this has caused my keyboard to short out several times from my tears. Let me start with what is NOT an option. Allowing John Beck anywhere near Redskin Park. After Sunday’s game with the Eagles, Shanahan should go straight to the Ashburn Courthouse and file a restraining order against Beck. Aside from staying at a Holiday Inn Express last night, he has no NFL qualifications whatsoever.

     To Rex or not to Rex. That is the question.

Arguments in Favor of Keeping Rex:

  • He know the Shanahans’ complex, graduate level, mega-mind system.
  • The players will follow him.
  • He is not a serial killer.
  • If he plays next year, we will all understand that he is temporary.
  • A free agent acquisition may muddy the need to draft a franchise QB. This absolutely cannot happen.
  • Rex is basically free. Nobody else wants him. Teams are going to overpay for the F/A QB’s that are available. Matt Flynn is going to steal somebody’s money this year, and Drew Brees ain’t walkin’ throught that door.

Argument Against Keeping Rex

  • Rex sucks.
  • It will make everyone feel good to lop off Rex’s head at the end of the season.

As much as it makes me wretch to say it, we need to keep Rex around in 2012. A free agent will fool us into thinking we have the answer. This team is still not close. The answer folks is playing in college somewhere. The one thing that may cause Shanahan to reach in the draft, is if he knows the leash is gettting short. A rookie QB pretty much assures him of two more years. Either way… WELCOME BACK REX!! I just vomitted on the honey badger in my lap.


Tebow Blames God for Loss to Pats

In Sunday’s post game press conference Tim Tebow said God was to blame in their 41-23 loss to New England. Asked if he was angry, Tebow laughed sheepishly and said, “No, I’m pretty sure I had it coming.” Reporters then pressed further, and Tebow made a shocking admission. ” On Thursday, in a moment of weakness, I abused myself to an episode of The Facts of Life.”

Further research indicates that Thursday’s episode was the one where Natalie loses her virginity. Asked later if the subject matter was too much to resisit, the pious QB said, “It wasn’t even Natalie that I was thinking about. It was that little colored girl. I think that’s why God was so mad.”

Tebow addressd the team Monday, vowing to never to touch himself again.

Rebuilding the Redskins

Whew! Smells like 4-12.

As the Washington Redskins again cruise through December on the way to yet another disappointing season, we as fans are faced with the question: Are things getting better or worse? As of late, there has been a groundswell of public opinion to fire the Shanahans and start over again. One of the smartest things I’ve heard on the topic was from ESPN 980 DC’s Steve Czaban in an interview with Kevin Sheehan , on his pre-game shows a couple of weeks ago. I paraphrase here: Shanahan may not be the answer,  changing coaches after two years again is definitely not the answer. He has since changed his mind on this, and is now screaming for his head on a pike.

Most people seem to be of the mindset to judge this team on it’s record. Which admittedly has been bad. Shanahan has up to this point a worse record than his predecessor, Jim “Maroon and Black” Zorn. However, what has changed, is the philosophy. For years the idea was that the Redskins were just a couple of pieces away from being a good team again. This was held from ownership, to the GM, to the coaches, on down to the fans. But adding pieces in that manner has lead to a team that consistently clung to the lower end of mediocrity.

Now to the analogy portion of our lesson. Mike Shanahn has chosen to remove all of the rot from the structure and replace it with new fresh lumber. The Redskins are continuing to get younger at nearly every position, and those young guys will need some time to learn and grow in the system. Witness the offensive line, which has continued to improve despite being down to third string at some positions.

Judging a rebuilding team on its’s record can be mis-leading. We may have fewer wins, but I think we have bigger upside in the future. I’m tired of people citing the “one year turn-arounds” in the league every year. These are a myth. Take Detroit. This did not happen overnight. Stafford-3rd season, Pettigrew 3rd season, Kyle Vandenbosch 2nd season, Calvin Johnson 5th season. They have been putting pieces in place for a while. But it seems like it happened all at once, because they won only 8 games combined in the previous two years.

As fans we have been living in a lean-to for the last 20 years. It kept the rain off of us, but offered little else in terms of security. Shanahan has offered to build us a three bedroom house. The foundation is done, the walls are going up, but the roof is not on.  We as fans are now crying because it doesn’t keep the rain out yet.  Patience people, patience.

Penn State: On a Serious Note

I’ve gotten a little grief for my Conversations with Joe Pa series, and I want to clarify my position on the child sexual abuse scandal that has rocked the university. Let me first start with the obligatory, not everyone at PSU is a card carrying member of NAMBLA, or even supports Joe Paterno. And further, I suspect that almost none of them support Jerry Sandusky. The point of the series is not to damn an entire university, or to make light of the abuse that these children allegedly suffered. I am of the school of thought that an effective way to keep the powerful, and the powerful and evil in check, is through mockery and ridicule. Not that I include view my self on their plane, but think Jon Stewart or South Park.

What I’ve been trying to convey is that the support of Joe Paterno is misplaced. There are two main defense arguments for Paterno that go something like this.

  1. Paterno didn’t understand the seriousness of the allegations.
  2. Paterno did his part by telling his Athletic Director. Really?

Argument One- For years we have been told that Paterno should keep his job a PSU regardless of his age. “He’s vibrant” we’re told. “He’s still very much involved” in running a 100 plus person, $72 million organization we’re told. But we are led to to believe that this vibrant, intelligent, engaged CEO did not bother to ask enough follow up questions of Grad Assistant Mike McQueary, to understand what “horsing around” meant. By Paterno’s own Grand Jury testimony, he knew enough to ask more questions.

And we are to believe that prior to McQueary’s allegations in 2002, he knew nothing of the 1998 investigation into similar acts, that must have at least touched the PSU admistration at some point. If he and Athletic Director Tim Curley thought Jerry was just “popping towels” with these kids, why was he banned form bringing them on campus in 2002?

Argument Two- Paterno went to Curley to report suspicion of what was, in light of the 1998 allegations, a serial child rapist. Change the word rapist to murderer, and say it out loud. Who would report a serial killer to their boss, unless you work for the FBI? But I guess rapist was ok with Joe PA. And while murder, many may argue, is far worse than child molestation. In some repects I would disagree. Murder is horrible and final. Molestation is horrible and lasts a lifetime. Victims suffer with this their entire lives, and are lucky if they don’t grow up with the same prediliction toward sex with children. From a societal standpoint it is worse than murder, because molesters create more molesters. Murderers only create dead people.

So I just don’t buy the idea that Paterno is a victim in this. He acted in the interest of Penn State Football, and in the interest of Joe Paterno. The second part of the last sentence is even more obvious now that we have learned of his financial interest in Second Mile. So Good Ol’ Joe was looking out for Joe. Who was looking out for the children? It was supposed to be Jerry Sandusky.

Smokin’ the Tree in DC

Hey Trent! Got any Skittles?

Oh boy! As a longtime Skins fan this is a real kick in the nards. Arguably Washington’s two best offensive players, Fred “Sleepy” Davis and Trent “Silverback” Williams, will sit out the rest of the season due to their unquenchable lust for the marijuana. They have each tested positive at least three times.

Mike Shanahan has spoken to the media regarding this matter, and in typical fashion, said next to nothing. As a fan, I want to hear from Sleepy and Dopey. Nothing to seems to motivate these two enough to stay away from the kind bud. Perhaps shame might be the ticket. If they were made to stand together at a podium and answer questions about their weed habits, maybe they could put the hooka down for good. However, the questions would not come from a local media, that must walk a fine line between hard-hitting journalism, and keeping a relationship with the player. The questions would come from fans, who are down enough on this team, without two jack-offs getting themselves suspended for four games.

Here are some questions I’d like to ask:

  • Which word would best describe you? Stupid or selfish?
  • On a scale on 1-10 how much do you love weed?
  • After your 1st and 2nd positive tests did anyone in the organization suggest that maybe you put down the bong?
  • Why didn’t you?
  • Are you high now?
  • If you had to live in a world without weed or a world without touchdown celebrations, which would you choose?
  • Why should anyone on this team ever trust you again.
  • What if they made Twinkies big enough to paddle around the Potomac?

Anyway. December is now what it has been for 17 of the last 21 years. Time to start dreaming about the draft. With the fourth selection in the 2012 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select…… Robert Griffin III?

Maryland- Football and Crabcakes: One for two Ain’t Bad

You! Bring me a Big Gulp full of gravy!

What is it with the University of Maryland fans? They talk as if UM football was some shining star that has started to tarnish a bit. I think they view their program similarly to that of Notre Dame. They believe that Randy Edsall has ruined the program. An apt analogy would be putting a dent in your 1996 Civic. It’s not a good thing, but it’s hardly any reason to get your knickers in a twist. News Flash: UM football is, and never really was anything special. Let’s Examine.

  • They have not finished in the AP top 10 since 1976.
  • They haven’t won the ACC since 2001.
  • They have never even been in the ACC Championship Game, much less won it.
  • Since 2004 they are 44-42
  • Their “awesome” 2010 9-4 team? The only BCS conference teams they beat had a combined record of 22-27.

Oh, and the beloved Ralph Friedgen. He put together this storied history of mediocrity with more NFL players than any other team in the ACC, save for Miami and Florida State.

  • More than BC. (2 ACC Championship Games)
  • More than Georgia Tech (2 ACC Championship Games)
  • More than Va Tech (4 ACC Championship Games)

I guess he has a great personality because the sports radio pundits in the DC area, go crazy about the firing and any criticism. It’s like he’s a fat sweaty Faberge Egg that they carry around in bubble wrap lest his feelings be hurt. Burning his diploma. Grow up.

Randy Edsall may turn out to be the worst football coach ever, but that remains to be seen. But their rabid fans (who couldn’t be bothered to attend games after a rough patch) want him fired now. I fear they have been influenced by the pro team that plays in Landover. Keeping Edsall may not work. Getting in the habit of firing coaches when things get bad, definitely won’t work.    So Edsall is a dick. Everyone is sooo sensitive now. Since when do we fire coaches for being dicks? Get over it. They lie, obfuscate, stonewall, blah, blah, blah. Cities love their dick coaches when they win. Give him a chance to win. So your ’96 Civic has a dent. BFD.

Coversations with Joe Pa – Part 3

Want some Nittany Lions tickets?

How I imagine the big moment went when Joe Pa finally confronts Sandusky.

Sandusky: You wanted to see me Joe?

Paterno: Sit down and shut up!

Sandusky: Huh?

Paterno: I know you’ve been raping little boys all over campus. I’m calling the police, and I never want to see you around here again you disgusting piece of filth!

Sandusky: But Joe, this will kill Second Mile.

Paterno: I don’t care about your victim recruiting scheme!

Sandusky: But Joe you stand to make half a million off Second Mile investments over the next few years.

Paterno: Well… Goddammit, stop raping them on campus! You got that?

Sandusky: Thanks Joe. Brunch on Sunday?

Paterno: Sure.

Sandusky: Don’t forget the grandkids.

Conversations with Joe Pa – Part 2

Three times! I raped him three times!

This is how I imagine Joe Paterno’s follow up went with Tim Curley.
Paterno: Hey, remember when I told you that Sandusky might be a serial child rapist?
Curley: Sure.
Paterno: Hey look they’re seving tapioca with lunch.
Curley: Did you have a question about Jerry?

Paterno: I can’t remember. Look tapioca.

The BCS Title Game

SEC Debate Bowl finalists prepare to square off.

Let me first begin this post by stating emphatically that LSU and Alabama are the two best teams in the country, and that they will and should play in the BCS Title Game. Do I want to see that again? Hell no.

I was listening yesterday to Steve Czaban (huge fan) on Yahoo Sports Radio, when he began quoting from an article by Cecil Hurt, Editor of      The central theme of the article, and Czaban’s soliloquy , as I heard it, was not that the two teams belong there. It was that they are angry because we don’t want to see it again.

I’m not hearing much from people saying they are not the two best teams. I hear people saying they don’t want to see a rematch., you’ve won! Be happy with that. Don’t demand that the rest of us suck on it and like it. A colonoscopy might be the right prescription by my doctor, but don’t insist that I sing Bobby McFerren songs though the procedure. So there. All the logical right/wrong, black/white sports pundits have won and will get 1 v/s 2.

But indulge me for just a paragraph or two as I present a different perspective. Hurt states that purpose of the BCS is to have #1 play #2. Well, I did some extensive research and found some secret founding charter documents of the BCS. They clearly state in Chapter 14, paragraph 9, sub-paragraph 4 in very small writing that “the expressed purpose of the BCS Title Game is make overflowing buckets of cash.” Seriously, I read that.

College football is a business. A product to be consumed by drunken dudes who wear team jerseys, and buy team flags to fly from their mini-vans on Saturdays. It is a never ending spigot of cash for universities, bowls, and the BCS. This isn’t Yale v/s Harvard in 1906. A game in which fair-haired student athletes match wills on the gridiron to see who is the best. It’s a product. Like a Fleet Enema or an iPad. Sports fans want the iPad, but it seems we will get the enema instead.      Czaban, Hurt et al., you have won. You’ll get the game you want. Just don’t insist that I do the Snoopy Dance over it. I want what I want, and it ain’t Ishtar 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Conversations with Joe Pa – Part 1


I'm old...cut me a little slack.


Some have made the argument that Paterno maybe didn’t understand what McQueary was telling him about Sandusky. ‘Cause he’s old and all. Seems to me natural curiosity would lead to a conversation to find out more. I imagine it went something like this.
McQueary: Coach, thanks for meeting with me tonight.

Paterno: This better be good. It’s 7:30 and Matlock’s on. What is so bad that you’re here at this ungodly hour?

McQueary: I was in the field house last night, and I caught Jerry Sandusky “horsing around” with a 10 year old in the shower.

Paterno: What do you mean “horsing around”?

McQueary: Well uh…. He was packing his fudge.

Paterno: He always packs the kid’s lunch on game day. Why would he leave out the fudge. Dorothy’s a fantastic cook.

McQueary: No coach. I don’t think you understand. He was ahhh… Drilling offshore.

Paterno: Good! You know it cost $54 to fill up my LeSabre last month. Drill baby drill.

McQueary: No! He was cruising the Hershey Highway!

Paterno: He was at the game yesterday, and Hershey is a hundred miles from here. I’m confused.

McQueary: Joe, he was balls deep in the kid!

Paterno: Ya mean he was buggering him?

McQueary: Yes!

Paterno: I’ll take care of it.

Curley: Hello

Paterno: Tim, it’s Joe. Somebody saw Sandusky horsing around in the shower with a 10 year old.

Curley: What do you mean “horsing around”?

Perverts and Sports

This will only hurt for a minute.

When the accusations of child molestation against Syracuse assistant basketball coach, Bernie Fine came out, I like many other people immediately thought this may likely be a copycat, looking for attention, money, or both. Recently however, the allegations are looking more and more plausible. I began to think about it, and it makes perfect sense.
You heard it here first: This is just the tip of the iceberg as it pertains to child molestation and organized sports. I believe that over the next ten years or so, we will be inundated with stories of coaches doing the Rectory Romp with young boys and girls.
Think about it. Kirsti Alley doesn’t shop for Haagen Daz at The Home Depot. She goes where they have lots of Haagen Daz. Likewise child rapists look where the targets are plentiful and the self esteem is low.
Jerry Sandusky drew an inside straight of pervert perfection.

  • Endless supply of young boys
  • Largely unchecked power
  • Sterling reputation
  • A hankerin’ for ten year old cock (allegedly)
  • The cover of a large institution protecting it’s own interests

My theory is simple: Never trust any guy who wants to be around children other than his own. If you’re so damn eager to take the Boy Scout troop up into the mountains for the weekend, (Oh Canteen Boy!)  you need to be watched.
This is going to be a decade long exercise in voyeuristic revulsion. Like watching liposuction on The Learning Channel or a hot girl pick her nose. We don’t want to see it, but we can’t look away. Now that the first string on the sweater of sports and child molestation has been pulled, watch as it unravels as fast the Redskins in November. It’s gonna get ugly.

Lions: Beloved to Hated

The Detroit Lions began the 2011 NFL season as everybody’s favorite underdog. After years of losing and the city of Detroit’s well documented maladies, most of us had developed a soft spot for the Lions. After starting 5-0 they had become the darlings of sports radio and TV talking heads. Ndamukong Suh was even doing Chrysler commercials.
Fast forward to week 12. Look at what has transpired. Jim Scwhartz screamed at Jim Harbaugh about not knowing the rules, and was smacked down with a loss and the most vigorous handshake since Pee Wee Herman abused himself in a theater. Suh has gotten multiple fines for dirty play, and now has been suspended for two games for stomping Green Bay offensive lineman Evan Dietrich-Smith. And at the pinnacle of unlikableness (is that a word), Stephen Tulloch and Tony Scheffler mocked Tim Tebow’s faith by striking Tebow prayer poses after making plays.
Now I never thought that Jesus had much of a rooting interest in the NFL ( I’m pretty sure he’s an MMA guy). But since mocking Timmy Rah Rah and his Lord and Savior, the Lions have only managed to beat the Carolina Panthers. Even the Almighty himself can’t position the Panthers to win games in the NFL. Only Blaine Gabbert and John Beck can do that. I can’t wait to hear Tebow after a loss. “Well we tried real hard and had a chance to win at the end, but Jesus made me throw that pick 6 in the flat.” Or maybe it’s something else. Pretty sure Schwartz is not Jewish but does Jesus know that? I had to Google it. Just sayin’…
They have managed to destroy all of the good will they had at the beginning of the season, to become a team that most people are rooting against. I was on this morning, and the overwhelming consensus is that these guys are a bunch of douche bags. Maybe they need someone to scream at them, “You don’t live in Cleveland”